In God We Trust

It's been a rocky road with God and I.  Despite coming from a family of believers, it's never really clicked.  My regular attendance at Church meant I could recite any story from the Bible and run the Mass service itself if ever required.  Islam also opened its doors as I visited the mosque every Eid and became familiar with the ways of the Imam.  But something was missing.

I would kneel, sit, stand up, close my eyes and repeat the words everyone else seemed to be feeling.  But I didn't feel anything.  I was pretending.  And I felt like a fraud.  So as soon as my parents would permit it, I stopped going.  And honestly, I haven't really looked back.  Until now.

I recently found myself in a church in Rome.  The Basilica in Sao Paolo to be exact.  It was indescribably beautiful.  But it wasn't just the intricate paintings on the walls or the shiny marble floor.  Buildings don't normally take my breath away.  It was something else.  And I found myself thinking that if God were to exist, this is where he would live.  And He's been on my mind ever since.

I have many reasons for the lack of religion in my life.  Firstly, I do not wish to be told how to live.  I am the only conductor in my existence.  If the recent death of my grandma has taught me nothing, it is that life is far too short.  And I don't want to waste a minute following the orders and commands of anybody, let alone an interpretation of a book written several lifetimes ago.  I don't believe in following anything except my own heart.  And occasionally my head.

Secondly, I don't want to use anything as a crutch.  It's an incredibly pretty thought to imagine that death allows you to transcend to an eternal paradise.  An idyllic world where you shall be reunited with all your friends and family.  And the only reason you haven't been able to come right away is because some girl ate an apple.  Of course this is a much more attractive philosophy than the idea of your anatomy disintegrating into the earth, and that being IT.  The end.  If most people were given the choice between these options, I feel sure what they would choose.  And I don't blame them.  But I don't want to just pick the fairytale because it's easier.

Thirdly, this may be the reason that angers me the most: the fact that your ascension into this picture perfect world above the sky is dependent on your actions.  The promise that if you treat people well, you shall be rewarded.  My argument is that you shouldn't have to bargain with someone to ensure they are a good person.  Did God have so little faith in us that he had to promise a beautiful afterlife in order to ensure we behaved ourselves?  I believe you should be a good person for no other reason than because you want to be.  And this may seem unrealistic but so does the idea of Jesus turning water into wine.  So if I want to believe in something, I'll believe in the idea that people do not need a reason to be good.

But as much as I state all these reasons, I can't deny the fact that I'm a little envious of those who do feel something.  I thought if I ever felt anything, I would embrace Him.  That wouldn't mean rushing off to the nearest Church or buying a yashmak.  But it would just mean knowing that there was an Other, a Something.  And being able to be comforted by this.  But I can't lie to myself.  However, I've been hoping and wishing for a while now and then it suddenly clicked.

God is not going to come down and reveal himself personally to me.  I may never witness a miracle.  Or find a definitive answer for things the world cannot yet explain.  And yes, religious theories may all be a fairytale.  But the point is that you have to believe.  That is why it's called 'faith' and not 'knowledge'.  Because nobody really knows.  And nobody feels anything...at first.  But the beauty of it is that they believe anyway.  And allow themselves to dream and wish and hope.  And when you consider religion like this, it's almost magical.

So I'm going to have a little faith.  And this doesn't mean my days will be dictated.  Or I'm looking for something to lean on.  Or I need a motive to behave myself.  I'm just going to start believing in believing.  Watch this space.