The Unknown

So it's not worked out as planned: the hunt for a graduate job.  I've been avidly applying and searching for months now with little actual progress made.  I was frustrated, fed up and a little frightened of the uncertainty in my future.  It's been an endless road of panic and worry.  I just knew I needed to get something.  I needed to know what was coming next.  Because from being four years old there had always been the next homework deadline, essay, GCSE, A Level and finally degree.

Education is a gift but also a prison.  And I feel I've been a prisoner of the education system for my entire existence.  So perhaps it was only natural to panic when there isn't a teacher stood at the front instructing you.  Or an essay you need to write. Or an exam to pass.  After May, I become the boss.  I've paid my dues to the institution.  And for the very first time, what comes next is entirely my choice.  This is what freedom feels like.  And the fear is actually just starting to convert to excitement.

Because what you do with your life should be your choice.  I'm only disappointed I've waited 21 years for this opportunity.  The opportunity to write exactly as I choose without the constraints of an essay title.  The opportunity to unleash my own creativity without fear of it being oppressed, condensed or quashed altogether.  The opportunity to go in whichever direction I see fit.  So as much as I feel something will be finished in May, my life is just beginning.

And I've got a newfound appetite.  I want to try red hot chilli's and tamatangas, see the Golden Temple and learn how to meditate, change somebody's life and fall in love the proper way, earn some money, get standing tickets at a concert, find religion, get published....I could go on but that would be telling.

So now I see the focus on becoming employed was so narrow-minded.  And I was a scared little puppy who has finally been let off the leash and wanted to cling to the stability of a nine-to-five job to avoid the fear of the unknown.  But now I find myself staring at the blank space ahead and the only words that come to mind are: 'this is your life now, so what are you gonna do with it?'  Watch this space.