For as long as I can remember, I have always had a best friend. We would reveal our most intimate thoughts to each other and do everything together. It's always been the same. It's an all-consuming relationship. And from the minute we met, their life became mine. Their hopes and dreams, their worries and their day-to-day activities became mine. It's not that I morphed into them. I just took on their life in addition to my own. I saw this as a commitment to our friendship; being available for them at any time. Listening to their problems and finding solutions. Making sure they were happy. And I loved it. I really loved giving. I gained a secret satisfaction from listening to their woes, solving their problems and always being available to talk. It felt good.
But in most of my 'best-friendships' we've eventually hit a wall. I drowned in their problems. It's become too much and I can't breathe. I've had to pull out. Because their problems never decrease, they become more frequent. They lean on me so much that I can't hold myself up. And I crack. I take full responsibility for this process. They are not at fault. I give too much. I believe I can make them happier and save them from their problems. And sometimes I can...but only temporarily.
This has only been a recent revelation. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I have found myself living alone for my final year at Uni (well in a six bed flat with unknown flatmates!). And for the first time in forever I have discovered what it feels like to just think about myself. I'm not trying to keep anyone else happy. I am the only person to please.
It's an odd feeling but I can get used to it. I already have much more time. And I've realised that we should all be that little bit selfish. Because as human beings, we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy. We are not meant to be beanpoles for others to lean on. A few words of support for a trivial problem will suffice. We shouldn't be jumping in with both feet to try and save someone. Because you can't save them, you never could.
So right now, I'm taking care of number one. I'm discovering what she wants from life and what she's going to do to get there. Watch this space.
