I've never been the wildly religious type. Despite attending church for 18 years, I can't say I have a particularly strong faith. Growing up in a Muslim and Christian household, it's not like I lacked the choice. But I prefer not to practice a religion. Certainly I believe in the 'other', the presence of a something. It's an undefinable something, an instinctive feeling. And I was quite content with this ambiguity. We didn't need to have all the answers. But that was before I lost someone I loved. It changed everything and now I wanted to know why.
Anu Saggar passed away on August 4th 2010 after a long battle with cancer. She left behind a loving husband, two daughters aged 19 and 7 and a 16 year old son. I wanted to know what possible reason could excuse the death of a woman aged only 41. I held this 'something' responsible. And it's been an anger bubbling under the surface ever since. Then a few months ago, my emotions were brought to the forefront again. We did the Manchester Midnight Walk in her memory. As we lit candles for her, I knew she was there. And instead of anger, I began to feel a sense of peace. That was the moment I realised that she's always with us. Because you never really lose the ones you love.
I can't see her, but that's just 'her' on a very superficial level. I can feel her presence. Anu is not the past. She's very much the present. She's on my shoulder. She's the occasional voice in my head. She knows every thought before I think it, every word before I say it, every action before I do it. We are more connected than ever. And this isn't just a pretty little thought to ease my own pain. It's real. Believe it. So open your heart to someone you've lost. Breathe them in and let them permeate the corners of your mind. And you'll realise it's the most natural thing. It's an eternal bond. Because when you love someone, forever does exist.
So rest in peace Anu because you're always in our hearts x
